Since completing the last of my intensive treatments for Mesothelioma, I have been able to focus on rebuilding my health and my life. I am no longer in crisis mode but am working hard to maintain and improve my current condition. I am fully aware of the risk of recurrence and know that I might still discover that the cancer is back some day.
I have good days and I have bad days. There are days where the future looks very uncertain and I wonder when, rather than if, Mesothelioma will strike me again. There are so few survivors that it’s hard to escape the logic of immutable numbers. There are days where I am mad at myself, mad at the world and mad at everyone else. I’m not fun to be around on those days and it always causes me to regret the way I act. Perhaps I’m feeling sorry for myself on those days. It’s hard to say what causes it. The chronic pain can wear me down sometimes and fray my temper. There are times I just have to "take a pill" and commit myself to maintaining a strong front.
An objective evaluation of where I am always brings me back to the positive side of the equation. I am alive. I was healthy enough to walk my daughter down the aisle in August and when I pushed myself I was able to survive three exhausting weeks sandwiched around the wedding where I played host to a large number of out of country visitors. It was great fun but it really took a toll on me and I was drained when it was over.
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Figure 5: Klaus walks daughter Krista down the aisle Aug 16, 2003 |
I probably will never be recovered enough to hold down a full time job. My life simply can’t handle the constant activity and the stress. I don’t have the stamina and am bothered too much by the pain and constantly need to attend to my body in a way that would interfere with a full time commitment to work. I might be able to handle a few hours of work a day but I can’t replace the career I had with such a job and even then, work can’t involve too much physical activity. I just don’t have the reserves to deal with it.
I have resumed my writing but find that I don’t always have the enthusiasm that it takes to commit to producing a product in a given time frame. My pain and my physical limitations have a dampening effect on my desire to have fun and do things that I enjoy. Invariably, when I force myself to go out and see a movie or go to the mall, etc. I enjoy those things despite the physical toll it takes on me. As easy as it would be to just give in and sit on the couch all day, I still have two daughters to walk down the aisle. That’s a big enough reason to stay in shape and keep looking towards the future.
K. Axel Brauch - November, 2003
